Sunday, October 7, 2012

Thanksgiving 2012

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day.  Though I have so much to be thankful for, I am admittedly finding it difficult to be thankful this year.

Today is 8 weeks since my dad passed away.  Two days ago, I forced myself to listen to the messages saved on my answering machine.  To hear his voice, a voice that really wasn't his.  The messages were left towards the end of his battle - and his voice was weak - words slurred.  My heart broke all over again as I listened to his words.  His precious laboured words to me

Then I decided it would be a good idea to re-read the letters he sent me..  the emails and the attached personal letters.  Maybe I am an emotional masochist - who knows...

The letters made me sad .... they made me tear .... but they also made me smile as I remembered his sense of humor ... his wit .... his way with words and way of touching me through his words.   Gifts he bestowed upon me in my creation.

I have been defrosting the turkey for two days ... 19lbs - lots of leftovers for sandwiches later.  Another thing dad and I had in common.  I remember last year we spoke about our love for cold turkey and mayo sandwiches!!  We also spoke about the changing of the leaves and how beautiful nature is this time of year.  We spoke about getting together this fall - he would take me for a drive up north to look at the leaves.  A trip that would never come to be.  So, now when I walk and see the changing of the colors - I take him with me!

Yesterday I made the desserts.  I don't want to do anything.  Today I am to make the dressing and clean up around the house to prepare for dinner tomorrow.  Dinner with family and friends.  I feel so sluggish.  I just can't bring myself to do anything.  All I want to do is hide under my blankets and sleep.  I napped for three hours today.  I could have stayed there all day - but at 4:00 I forced myself to get up.

I washed up and took my dog out for a walk.  Then came home and gathered the mini pumpkins I had bought and stacked them in a bowl set upon my coffee table.  A feeble attempt to get into the holiday spirit.

This evening I will make the dressing and tomorrow I will prepare my usual Turkey Feast.  I will paste a smile on my face and will have many glasses of wine as I get through the day.  Attempting to remember what it is I am thankful for.

Thankful for finding dad.  Thankful for knowing him.  Thankful for knowing the other half of my family.  Thankful for the ability and strength to forgive.  I will think about my sweet nephew and niece and pray they are having a good day.  Praying that they will know and remember how much Aunt Laura loves them.

And as I move forward through the day, I know that it is the first in a year of firsts - without dad.  One seems to be my number.  I had one year of holidays with him.  A blessing I suppose.  One to be thankful for.  (I'm working on it.)  Now I brace myself for tomorrow .... as I know Christmas is around the corner.

I pray that my family and friends will have a blessed Thanksgiving Day.  I pray that they will count their blessings.  That they will embrace those whom they love - while they still can.