Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Giving It To God

(Click on image to read the poem)

Certainly with grief there is loss in the center of the pain - the agony.  I also believe that the same can be said for betrayal.  When one has been betrayed - there is pain ... with loss in the center.  Loss of a love, loss of a friendship, loss of a relationship, loss of trust, loss of 'what was'.    You also begin to question if what was; was indeed authentic.  The truth is that if it was authentic for you.  That is all that matters.  A hard truth about life is that we have zero control over anyone but ourselves.  And for some people, that is more than can often be handled.  

For me, these past 52 days since my Dad's passing can really only be described as hell.  You try to move forward - you try to remember that you are still alive and therefore must live.  And you attempt to do so with a boulder on your chest.  Every breath is difficult.  Every heartbeat feels laboured.  Yet, you must keep going.   "Life goes on."  Is what they say.  

I've always hated that expression! 

In previous posts, I have spoke of the oh-so-difficult work I have done over the past many years to get myself to a place of peace.  Balance. Contentment.  Joy.  Oh how I've missed that place!

Like being forced to be someplace you really do not want to be, and all you can do is yearn to be in your own bed.  Something about one's own bed provides a soothing wash over the body.  The mind.  The soul.  

I liken my place of peace to my bed.  I am tired of being 'here' - I want to go home - to my bed.

I think about this journey.  And it is heavy.  Oh so very heavy.  

All of the time lost that can never be retrieved.   The loss of not only my Father - a pain beyond fathom. But also the loss of half of my family.  My sister whom my heart housed.  My nephew and niece whom I love dearly and miss terribly.   The abuse of trust - the betrayal - deceit.  

Where should I direct my mourning?  Where does my grief take root?  It seems to bounce from one to the other.  And under it's tremendous weight, I am weak.  

I have prayed relentlessly.  Prayed for the ability to shift the multi-tiers of grief and pain from consuming me. 

My prayers were endless - virtual chants.  I decided to make a shift of my own.  Or perhaps the Lord shifted through me.  About a week ago I did a post on Facebook - I spoke of my Dad, and his service to the Lord, how he would always ask people - "How can I pray for you?" ....  I spoke of my nightly prayers and that in his honor I wanted that nights prayers to be more personal, and I asked my friends ... "How can I pray for you?".

I believe there are no coincidences in life, but things that co-inside with one another.  (I speak of this several times through this blog as it is a strong belief of mine.)  Therefore I know for certain that praying to God to relieve me of my pain and grief ...... and honoring my Dad in personal prayer for others - to me, are in fact one in the same.

So, with all of that said; I want to put down the pain.  I want to put down the grief.  And I want to pray for the source.  I want to return to my place of peace.  I want to no longer attempt to sleep upon the rocks, but return to my own bed.  

I know that it's not magic.  That no words or action will make the pain go away like the flick of a switch.  But I believe in my heart that it is an important first step. Of letting go.  Of healing.   Of moving forward. 

So today I take that first step.  Baby-steps as Dad would always say.  The first step is always the hardest.  And that is true for me.  It is true today.  But I will make it.  I will exhale and I will take that first step.  For me.  As that is what forgiveness is ultimately about. It is a release of the balloon Dad spoke of.  It is about relief and living in grace ... in peace - it is not even really about, or for the forgiven; but for the forgiver.  

I have chosen forgiveness.  To let go. To forgive - wholeheartedly those who have wronged me.  Those who have willfully hurt me beyond measure.  I have chosen to let go of that balloon.  To give it to God.

I forgive you.  

And I pray that God will also forgive you.