Tuesday, July 10, 2012


Today Dad had his radiation appointment.  Just like any other trip to the hospital - right? Wrong!

Sunday, Tricia phoned Karen to come to the house.  Dad was not doing well.  His heart began beating erratically.  The palliative nurses spoke little through words - yet spoke volumes through expression.  Things appear to be taking a turn for the worse.

My sister and her family raced up to Dad's ... the two hour trip nearly sending her heart into arrhythmia.  Singing hymns and reciting biblical verses to herself in the car.  I know Jay was probably wishing the car would sprout wings - just to be able to get there faster.

 They had finally arrived and it was clear that things were not well.  Dad is having more hallucinations.  Seeing and speaking to people who are not there.  Believing that he and the family were heading out to restaurants for shared meals.  I am heartbroken as I listen to my sister as she tells me what is happening with our father.

It is unclear whether or not Dad would be able to make it to his appointment today.  Having very few moments of wakefulness and even fewer moments of clarity.

What is clear is that the trip this weekend for Tash and I is now cancelled.  I am devastated by this revelation.  It has nothing to do with the crafts I had planned to do with my niece and nephew.  It has nothing to do with the money spent on the trip that now is not happening.  It has everything to do with the growing fear living in my soul that I may never see my father again - alive.  And that Tash may never see her Papa at all.  Of course I logically understand that the trip cannot happen this weekend - my heart hurts as I  need to be there with him.  I need to see my Father.  I need to hug him and kiss him and look him in to his eyes and tell him so many things.

I pray there will be time.

Today Trish and Karen helped Dad to the kitchen where they lay towels down on the floor and proceeded to wash his hair.  Tricia lathering him up and Karen attempting to catch the water.  Dad is just not strong enough to get into the shower any more.  Nor is he able to bend over a sink and have his hair washed.

They managed to get him to the hospital in Ottawa - over an hour away from home.  A long day just proceeded to get longer and longer as Dad was in so much pain that they had to give him pain injections and wait for them to 'kick in' so that the excruciating pain would be masked enough to allow dad to get up onto the table and into positions for the radiation treatments to take place.  Which, in and of themselves are painful.

A two hour day turned into a six hour event.

The day has completely wiped everyone out.  Dad will be out of commission for days recovering from today.  There are still the chemo appointments coming up.

My prayer is that the radiation treatments work enough to ease Dad's pain that the medications he is on may be lessened so that he may have more moments of clarity.  That he may be present.  That he may come back to us.

I pray that Tricia keeps her faith and finds moments to take care of herself.  To eat.   To rest.  To know that she must keep her strength up.  That she may continue to be there for Dad.  I truly marvel at her.

I pray that Karen is given the strength and courage that will enable her to continue to be able to be there for her mom and our Dad.  I know that God will continue to bless them with what they need to get Dad whatever he needs - wherever he needs to be.

And although it may be selfish, I do pray that Dad recovers enough that Tash and I may be able to book another trip to see him.  To be with him.  To support him.  To love him.  To squirrel away more precious memory-making moments.

Please let these treatments work!!