Thursday, June 28, 2012

Moments of Clarity

I am finding it extremely difficult to breathe today.  My very breath feels cut.  They rhythm of my heart has been placed on pause.  Dad has been admitted to the Ottawa Cancer Ward last night - Again.

On Father's Day when he and I spoke, it was obvious that things had taken a turn.  His very words were slurred.  Someone who does not drink - now sounded drunk.  He is having precious few moments of clarity now.

The cancer has spread throughout his body.  His body is deteriorating.   About two months ago the cancer took his hip, causing him to have surgery.  His shoulder is now fractured, broken under the weight of this disease. His back, shoulder, chest .... really his entire body is a whirlwind of pain. His feet and legs bare the burs from the courses of radiation therapy.  His organs are afflicted.  Blood in the urine.  His mind is submitting to the will of the cancer.  Hallucinations are becoming the norm.

On the way to the hospital last night, Dad opened the door to the van - on the highway!!  Where was he going?

I want to take a moment to thank God for Dad's good friend Graham who has been there to take Dad to and from the hospital.  To sit with him.  To help him hold on to remaining strands of dignity.  Holding Dad up while he is being sick.  This is a true definition of a friend.  A Brother.  A Blessing.

It is amazing to me how in time of crises clarity comes ... you can clearly see who is a friend ... and who is not.  Sadly, many have abandoned Dad and Tricia.  The very thought of this frankly leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  I am angry! After 30 years of Dad serving the pulpit.  Being there for the congregation.  In good times - and in bad times.  Only to discover when it is now your turn to experience the pain of illness ... to find you are not rallied as you believed you might have been.  In the end ... I know God remains with Dad.

I want to also take a moment to pray for Tricia.  Dad's wife.  She has not left his side. They have been together since their teens ... married now 42 years.  She is his wife, his companion, his friend, and now his nurse.  I am not sure she has really slept in the past six months.  I know she is running on automatic.  As she watches the love of her life slowly dissolve before her very eyes.  How helpless a feeling to know there is nothing you can do but to make him as comfortable as humanly possible.  To stay by his side.

Although I worry for you, I want to say Thank you Tricia - Mama-T ... for taking such precious care of Dad!!

I found myself on the phone with my sister last night ... in a conversation I never thought I would be having ... discussing final arrangements for Dad.  I think that even though nobody wants to say it out loud ... if we are honest, we know that the end is near.

I wonder if Tasha will have the opportunity to meet her Papa.  I wonder if I will have the opportunity to see Dad again.  Will he be here for my birthday?  Will he be here for Christmas??

I certainly do not want Dad to continue to suffer!  But I am not ready!!  I only just found him!!  It has only been a little over a year now.  I know it isn't for me to decide what is enough ... and I am every so thankful to God for bringing Dad and I together before it was too late.  I know it may be selfish - but a year isn't enough time!! It is too soon!!  :'((

Is it God's Will that I search for my father for my entire life, only to find him in time to watch him die?

With all that I am ... I pray for a miracle!! I pray that the cancer slows down!  I pray that God will ease Dad's pain and discomfort.  I pray for more moments of clarity.  I pray that We All may have more time together.

Please join me in these prayers!