Saturday, December 18, 2010

Being Tested Today

Today is difficult for me. I was awoken this morning to the sound of a huge CRASH as my cat floored my Christmas Tree. About 80% of my ornaments were smashed into pieces.

I have not always been in the mood for the holiday season over the years... but I have always loved my tree. Simply because it was filled with memories. Every ornament had sentimental value to me. And each was precious. Glass balls, which were purchased over 20 years ago, for my daughter's first Christmas. Heritage angels. Royal Dalton angels. Gifts given to me by friends and loved ones. It was all I could do not to cry as I shoveled two and a half dust pans filled with shattered memories into the garbage. Including the Porcelain Angel that lived atop my tree for at least 15 years. I always hated this angel. However, it too held a special place in my heart. It came with 4 smaller angels.... one of which sits atop my baby sister's tree. Symbolic of the bigger sister/lil sister - big angel/lil angel. Now Gone.

My plan was to eventually gather all of the sentimental ornaments, which were connected to my daughter. Things she made, and items we bought when she was 3, 4, 11 ..... To pass them on to her - for her tree, now that she has her own home, and eventually will have her children, and her traditions. I thought how lovely it would be to show her children the ornaments she loved as a child.

I am truly heartbroken. :((

Today is momentous for another reason. It happens to also be my 2nd anniversary since my cancer surgery - and thus; my 2nd year in remission.

This should be a joyous day. I was looking so forward to the holidays this year. Celebrating life. Celebrating with my loved ones. Celebrating the blessings that I live daily. My remission is HUGE.

I feel truly as though I am being tested today. Today of all days.

I suppose the message is that Christmas will still come. That my loved ones will still come. We will still have a fabulous dinner, which I will spend 3 days cooking/baking. That we will revel in the joy of the season. That I will celebrate another Christmas - post Cancer.

I suppose that in that light, ornaments really are not that important. Memories live in my heart and mind, not on my tree.

People who lose everything in a fire, still manage to go forward. They carry their memories with them. And now, so will I.

I still have a couple of the glass balls from Natasha's first Christmas. I still have the small angels to the broken topper. Sister angels to the one on my sister's tree.

I still have a couple of the ornaments from my daughter's childhood.

So. *deep collective sigh* I suppose this means I will be buying new Christmas things for next year. New traditions? New memories? New reasons to be thankful?